I think I am awkward and unlikable. I no longer have the patience, nor the will to do small talks. Now when I meet people that I am interested in cultivating relationships with, I dive right in, asking questions about their passions, purpose, values and beliefs. That’s my way of testing their authenticity and their comfortability with vulnerability. If someone gets uncomfortable answering these kinds of questions, I know right away that he or she is not “my people”. Relationships are about growth and transcendence. I water your plant, you water mine. I enrich your life, you enrich mine. But how can we grow together if we can’t be authentic and vulnerable with each other?
I think I am awkward and unlikable. I say this humbly, but I no longer want to associate with people who are wearing masks. Cultivating relationships with them is simply offensive to my aura and hinders my growth. Don’t get me wrong. I was there too once. I spent many years of my life repressing my true self, keeping people in the living room of my life, fearing sharing too much too soon, fearing they would judge me if I let them into the dirty rooms of my life, fearing they would betray and abandon me.
Thankfully, I broke free from my past bondage. I did so by learning to be entirely comfortable with myself and owning everything that I am, including the good and the bad. I now have a set of values that I am consistent to, but I don’t have a road map, thus the journey is and will continue to be confusing, challenging, bumpy and messy at times. And that’s OK. I now understand and accept that I know very little, so I will often get things wrong. Yet I don’t have to hide my true self from others. I owe it to everyone around me and myself to be my most authentic self. I mean authenticity is soooooo refreshing. I no longer fear showing all of me, even the parts that are not so pretty. I no longer fear betrayal and abandonment.
I think I am awkward and unlikable. I am only interested in building genuine, meaningful and thriving relationships with warm souls who can openly and fearlessly talk about their scars, their fears, their passions, and all the other things they overcame on the journey that build their characters and shape them into who they are today. These are “my people”. Who are your people?
Sophomore year of college, my 20 year-old self had a TV show (host & executive producer), 3 radio shows (cohost and producer); I was also taking 21 credits (double major & double minor), had 3.8 GPA, was a member of the honors society, had 2 jobs on campus, one internship on fashion Avenue, and was doing 10 hours of community service per month.
I was soooooo hungry, hungry to be somebody, trying to prove something. I was looking for validation. I needed to convince myself that I was worthy and was not wasting space here on earth. My sense of worth came from my accomplishments. Truth is sometimes I still feel burned out from those days. I still haven’t fully recovered from that ‘busy bee’ disease. But at least now I know I am not defined by what I do. I AM A HUMAN BEING.
I was in such a dark place emotionally. And I was scared to let anyone in. Most of my relationships were superficial. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was in survival mode. I would literally pushed away any guy I started developing feelings for. In the back of my head I always thought I would be distracted and lose control if I fell in love. And I just couldn’t let that happen. I was on my own. I needed me. And I needed my sense of control. It made me feel whole. It kept me safe. I had to be that way. It was my defense mechanism. And anyone that got hurt was just collateral damage. Survival was the only thing I knew. It kept me safe.
It feels amazing now to grow emotionally and take responsibility for the damages I caused around me. Some people have forgiven me. Others still feel like victims. And I can’t change that. But life is getting better. I am healing. I am growing. Now I know better, I am doing better, and I intend to stay on that path.
But, if ever heart you, I sincerely apologize. And to those who always celebrate my strengths and look over my weaknesses, from the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for loving me despite my flaws.
This was typed quickly and was not proofread. So you will likely find typos and even grammatical errors; but in these words you will also find my heart.
I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who feeds you some truth, and snatches you out of there.
I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who challenges you to introspect, see past misconceptions and the part you played into your unpleasant situations.
I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who plants seeds of renewal in your mind and tries her best to inspire you to get up and try again, no matter how hard you’ve been deceived.
I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who encourages you to extend your kindness to the people who offend you, because frankly, they need it the most.
And if being that way makes you think I am disloyal, we clearly have different understanding of friendship and loyalty. And if you choose to continue the journey without me, I will respect your decision. It will of course sadden me, but I will be OK.
Do not try to own me. Do not try to suffocate or cage me with your love. To love me is to leave be. To love me fully is to appreciate me each day. Give me your care and compassion and attention. It means seeking to understand my viewpoint, empathizing with my struggles, accepting my weaknesses, celebrating my wins, and supporting my journey. It means listening, touching gently, and treating my experience with the same kindness as your own. It means caring without crushing or clinging. Can You Love Me?
To love means giving me full range of motion, and space to exist in my life. It means accepting that what we have will one day fade away, due to death or change. It means recognizing me as another person, not responsible for your emotions or emotional wellbeing. It means managing your own lived experience just as much as you allow me mine. It is allowing me space to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to have space to live my own life that is separate from yours. Can You Love Me?
It means not fighting against the possibility of loss. It means appreciating each day as though all we have is here and now, rather than trying futilely to protect yourself against me leaving. Can you love me?
I spend my all, my time and energy into becoming a great woman, one who seeks knowledge and wisdom, one who pushes the boundaries and defies the limitations that her society sets for her, one who strives to live in abundance, one with a strong character, one who sticks to her core values, one who is not afraid to embrace her vulnerability, one who conquers her fears, one who forgives those who hurt her and seeks forgiveness from those she hurts, one who heals her wounds, one who chooses to be be generous with her time, one who supports and uplifts others, one who lives out her dreams, one who commits to service and excellence, one who is enthusiastic about her future, one with profound love for and strong faith in GOD.
I don’t want be a great woman for validation from others, nor to find and be loved by a good man. I do it simply because becoming a great woman, one who strives for excellence, is the rent I pay for the space I occupy here on earth. I owe it to myself and those who believe in me to be better than I was yesterday everyday.
#haitiangirl #transcending #growing #godlywoman #girlboss
So, I packed up and decided to move back home. I didn’t do much planning. It was more like an urge. I felt it was time to go back to my roots. I heard the ancestors screaming my name. I was working on the biggest project I ever embarked on, and I wanted to complete it home. But I FAILED. I was depressed and wasn’t sure what my next move should be.
When I was complaining and fell into depression, she made it her job to cheer me up and encourage me. Every day, she stood by me, supported and celebrated me when deep inside I was feeling like a failure. And with a little over $1000 left on my bank account, I didn’t have enough to rent an apartment in Haiti. And I did not want to call my family for help, because I wanted to prove to them that I had become the survivor/resourceful woman they raised me to be.
So, she and her family welcomed me into their home for 2 long MONTHS. Never asked me for a penny. Su casa was mi casa. Even when I had found a job and decided I couldn’t continue to be a burden, she insisted for me not to leave and made me prolong my stay. Eventually, I had to move. As I was packing to leave, I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness. I was leaving her home, but it had become mine too.
The journey of transcendence is a loooooonngg one. We will not always get things right when we first attempt. We won’t always understand each other. We might even step on toes and even unwillingly hurt each other. It will be confusing at times. But let us never forget the days we supported and uplifted each other. Let us never forget the great laughs, the crazy adventures, and more importantly, the life lessons.
The only gift I have today is my gratitude. I am forever grateful to have met you. I am forever grateful for our imperfect friendship/sisterhood. I am forever grateful for all the things you taught me. I am forever grateful for the beautiful soul that you are. Happy birthday Shika. May you blossom into the woman of excellence you strive to be. #sisterhood #Soulsisters #friendship #haitianwriter #womenofexcellence #blogeuse #birthadaywishes #growth