Confessions of a Control Freak

Sophomore year of college, my 20 year-old self had a TV show (host & executive producer), 3 radio shows (cohost and producer); I was also taking 21 credits (double major & double minor), had 3.8 GPA, was a member of the honors society, had 2 jobs on campus, one internship on fashion Avenue, and was doing 10 hours of community service per month.

I was soooooo hungry, hungry to be somebody, trying to prove something. I was looking for validation. I needed to convince myself that I was worthy and was not wasting space here on earth. My sense of worth came from my accomplishments. Truth is sometimes I still feel burned out from those days. I still haven’t fully recovered from that ‘busy bee’ disease. But at least now I know I am not defined by what I do. I AM A HUMAN BEING.

I was in such a dark place emotionally. And I was scared to let anyone in. Most of my relationships were superficial. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was in survival mode. I would literally pushed away any guy I started developing feelings for. In the back of my head I always thought I would be distracted and lose control if I fell in love. And I just couldn’t let that happen. I was on my own. I needed me. And I needed my sense of control. It made me feel whole. It kept me safe. I had to be that way. It was my defense mechanism. And anyone that got hurt was just collateral damage. Survival was the only thing I knew. It kept me safe.

It feels amazing now to grow emotionally and take responsibility for the damages I caused around me. Some people have forgiven me. Others still feel like victims. And I can’t change that. But life is getting better. I am healing. I am growing. Now I know better, I am doing better, and I intend to stay on that path.

But, if ever heart you, I sincerely apologize. And to those who always celebrate my strengths and look over my weaknesses, from the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for loving me despite my flaws.

This was typed quickly and was not proofread. So you will likely find typos and even grammatical errors; but in these words you will also find my heart.

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I Am Not Disloyal

I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who feeds you some truth, and snatches you out of there.

I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who challenges you to introspect, see past misconceptions and the part you played into your unpleasant situations.

I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who plants seeds of renewal in your mind and tries her best to inspire you to get up and try again, no matter how hard you’ve been deceived.

I am not disloyal. I am just not the friend who will join you in a pity party. But I am the friend who encourages you to extend your kindness to the people who offend you, because frankly, they need it the most.

And if being that way makes you think I am disloyal, we clearly have different understanding of friendship and loyalty. And if you choose to continue the journey without me, I will respect your decision. It will of course sadden me, but I will be OK.

Can You Love Me?

Do not try to own me. Do not try to suffocate or cage me with your love. To love me is to leave be. To love me  fully is to appreciate me each day. Give me your care and compassion and attention. It means seeking to understand my viewpoint, empathizing with my struggles, accepting my weaknesses, celebrating my wins, and supporting my journey. It means listening, touching gently, and treating my experience with the same kindness as your own. It means caring without crushing or clinging. Can You Love Me?

To love means giving me full range of motion, and space to exist in my life. It means accepting that what we have will one day fade away, due to death or change. It means recognizing me as another person, not responsible for your emotions or emotional wellbeing. It means managing your own lived experience just as much as you allow me mine. It is allowing me space to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to have space to live my own life that is separate from yours. Can You Love Me?

It means not fighting against the possibility of loss. It means appreciating each day as though all we have is here and now, rather than trying futilely to protect yourself against me leaving. Can you love me?

Why I Strive For Excellence

I spend my all, my time and energy into becoming a great woman, one who seeks knowledge and wisdom, one who pushes the boundaries and defies the limitations that her society sets for her, one who strives to live in abundance, one with a strong character, one who sticks to her core values, one who is not afraid to embrace her vulnerability, one who conquers her fears, one who forgives those who hurt her and seeks forgiveness from those she hurts, one who heals her wounds, one who chooses to be be generous with her time, one who supports and uplifts others, one who lives out her dreams, one who commits to service and excellence, one who is enthusiastic about her future, one with profound love for and strong faith in GOD.

I don’t want be a great woman for validation from others, nor to find and be loved by a good man. I do it simply because becoming a great woman, one who strives for excellence, is the rent I pay for the space I occupy here on earth. I owe it to myself and those who believe in me to be better than I was yesterday everyday.

#haitiangirl #transcending #growing #godlywoman #girlboss

My Only Gift Is My Gratitude

So, I packed up and decided to move back home. I didn’t do much planning. It was more like an urge. I felt it was time to go back to my roots. I heard the ancestors screaming my name. I was working on the biggest project I ever embarked on, and I wanted to complete it home. But I FAILED. I was depressed and wasn’t sure what my next move should be.

When I was complaining and fell into depression, she made it her job to cheer me up and encourage me. Every day, she stood by me, supported and celebrated me when deep inside I was feeling like a failure. And with a little over $1000 left on my bank account, I didn’t have enough to rent an apartment in Haiti. And I did not want to call my family for help, because I wanted to prove to them that I had become the survivor/resourceful woman they raised me to be.20180619_180320

So, she and her family welcomed me into their home for 2 long MONTHS. Never asked me for a penny. Su casa was mi casa. Even when I had found a job and decided I couldn’t continue to be a burden, she insisted for me not to leave and made me prolong my stay. Eventually, I had to move. As I was packing to leave, I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness. I was leaving her home, but it had become mine too.

The journey of transcendence is a loooooonngg one. We will not always get things right when we first attempt. We won’t always understand each other. We might even step on toes and even unwillingly hurt each other. It will be confusing at times. But let us never forget the days we supported and uplifted each other. Let us never forget the great laughs, the crazy adventures, and more importantly, the life lessons.

 The only gift I have today is my gratitude. I am forever grateful to have met you. I am forever grateful for our imperfect friendship/sisterhood. I am forever grateful for all the things you taught me. I am forever grateful for the beautiful soul that you are. Happy birthday Shika. May you blossom into the woman of excellence you strive to be. #sisterhood #Soulsisters #friendship #haitianwriter #womenofexcellence #blogeuse #birthadaywishes #growth

God Is A Necessity

What would my life be without God?

Honestly, I can’t even imagine a life without God’s love and faithfulness. Oh! Countless times I tried doing things on my own. I stepped away from His presence and neglected His teaching. Let me tell you my friends, each time I failed miserably.

Yet, every time I crawl back back to him, I realize he never leave or forsake me. I have reached a point in my life where I fully understand that there is no me without God. If I am to make it through this thing called life, I need Him to accompany me every step of the journey.

I am nowhere near perfect, and I will NEVER be. And God knows that. He doesn’t turn His back on us when we rebel. He doesn’t see us for our faults and imperfections. His nature is LOVE, and that will never change. He sees the best in us. ALWAYS.

Have you ever attempted to live your life without God? What have you learned about His love and grace?

#spiritualjourney #godlywoman #testimony #biblestudy #writing #blogpost #growing #transcending #LearningHowToLove

What Letting You Go Taught Me

“Realize that once you stop being the first to reach out, many relationships struggle or end. Take that as a warning sign.”

Two of the many things I inherited from my father is his LOVE for people and his ability to effortlessly build meaningful and genuine friendships with them. I make friends more often than most people make excuses. Frankly, if I was ever locked in solitary confinement with no one to talk to, I would end up best pals with the prison guard. Indeed, I am always excited about listening to people’s stories, learning about what molded them into the person they are and what shaped their characters.

I also like to hear about their dreams, their passions, their beliefs, their insecurities and fears. I also love spending my time with them, making them laugh, encouraging, motivating and helping them create positive change in their lives. But I have come to realize that we can invest a great deal in a relationship, be wholeheartedly there and support them, yet some people won’t reciprocate the investment and won’t be there. We become someone they don’t need anymore. So, they walk away.

Certainly after they vanished our life satisfaction noticeably decreases. However, if our friendship was not as vital to them, if they don’t think of the bond we share as being virtually unbreakable, regardless how terribly we miss them, we have to stop chasing after them and let them go.

Life is hard enough. We need love and support to make it through. But if the people we choose decide to walk away, don’t sit and wait for answers that will never come. Accept that not all relationships will last forever. Choose those who value, honor and cherish you, those who don’t, tell them ADIEU.