I AM ENOUGH

Day 1 of #21DaysOfGratitude

I am ENOUGH. Three of the most powerful and liberating words that have changed my life drastically this year. Indeed, I finally came to understand, believe and accept that I am enough.

See, I grew up with abandonment issues. So I distortedly believed that I needed to do in order to be enough or to be loved. I never felt enough. And since my childhood, I directed all my efforts and energy into doing more so I can be enough. But nothing I ever did made me feel enough.

This belief was self-destructive and prevented from receiving love from others. And the worse part is, I projected that unto others too. Because I never felt enough, no one was ever enough for me. Regardless how much of themselves they gave away, I was never satisfied.

And slowly, a wind of truth blew over my life. Miraculously, I began to understand that nothing that I could ever do or receive will make me feel enough. However, I am enough because I am enough. As simple as it sounds.

I am enough regardless how hectic life may seems at times.
I am enough regardless of who severed me of their attention.
I am enough regardless who didn’t value and respected me the way I wanted.
I am enough regardless who stops cheering and supporting me.
I am enough despite what I lost.
I am enough even when I didn’t get the promotion.
I am enough regardless who doesn’t see me or appreciate my efforts.
I am enough even when sometimes I don’t feel ENOUGH.

This isn’t about some false self-sufficiency. But really, I have God with me and for me. He is ALL I ever needed and will ever need.

I am enough because God made me enough. And I vow to NEVER let anyone challenge this truth.

I am enough. I have ALWAYS been enough. I will always be enough.

I Think I Am in Love You

Is it love? Or just a blinding fantasy?

I want to plant roots with you, but I am scared you won’t help me water them. 

I want to show you my imperfections, but I am scared you will only belittle me. 

I want to let you in, but I am scared you will only cause damage.

I want to share and make sense of  life with you, but I am scared you will only take me for granted.

You make me want to grow, but you sometimes bring out a ‘lesser version’ of me. 

You give me a feeling of resonance, but also make me spin inside a perpetual cycle of self-doubt.

Being close to you mostly gives me solace, but also a twinge in my heart, a tornado of emotions. 

I am in awe of you, but also want to cut you out. 

I want to run to you, but also away from you.

What is it? Is your devilish quiet charisma? Is it trauma bonding? Is it because you are a riddle for me to solve? Is it the subconscious or ancestral forces at work? Is it the little things you do? Is it our shared interests and passions? Is it because you keep me striving to understand who I am and expand beyond myself?

When it comes to you, my mind skips right past a logical explanation. I think I am in love with you or I am just caught in a blinding fantasy. 

Naked Truth: The Demons Came Back

The giants that we don’t face will continuously chase us.

Avoidance is probably my most toxic trait. I genuinely thought the fewer triggers I encounter, the greater the odds of not having an “emotional relapse”. In my case, an emotional relapse entails an identity crisis, mood swings, or even sudden urges to evaporate or be swallowed by the earth.

Therefore, I deliberately surrounded myself only with people who shared my spiritual and relational values. So for a long time, I was mostly exposed to agreeable people and “fruit of the Spirit practitioners” with whom I had only pleasant interactions and never any major disagreements.

However, I recently have been in situations where I had to interact with people who didn’t necessarily share my spiritual and relational values. During my interactions with those people, I was shaken to my core, felt triggered, overwhelmed and depleted because I haven’t in fact truly healed.

The ” lesser version of me” of me came out. That ‘triggered version’ of me who is defensive, dismissive, impudent, and sometimes empathy. That version who retaliates instead of taking the higher road and extending compassion. That version who feels victimized instead of taking advantage of an opportunity to learn and grow. That version who quickly demonizes people instead of praying for them. I mean that girl that I hadn’t seen for nearly 10 years was now back.

As the relationships I cultivated in this past decade were mostly healthy and enriching, I thought that meant I was healed. But in fact, I was kinda masquerading avoidance for healing. As Vienna Pharaon so beautifully says it, “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you are triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story – and walking your way to a different ending.” This is indeed one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned this year. That recent experience made me realize that avoiding my demons doesn’t give me victory over them. The giants that we don’t face will continuously chase us.

I have been praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help me be still and keep it together, regardless of who pushes my button. And I have faith that in time, the Holy Spirit will help me grow in the fruits of the Spirit, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. One day, I will be able to stop avoiding my triggers and face all my demons, but that day isn’t today.

A Year Older Than I Was Yesterday

Today is my birthday; thus, I thought I would kick off this new chapter of my life with an expressive discharge.

Here are 27 things about me:

1. Age: 27
2. Motherland: Haiti
3. Place of residence: Nomad
4. Spiritual status: A prayer in the flesh, an embodiment of God’s love and purpose
5. Mental status: Happy and focused on becoming a woman of excellence
6. Career Status: BA, MA, MBA & currently working as a Communications Specialist
7. Relationship status: Recovering from an intimacy hangover and collecting data on some gents to decide later whom to partner and build with
8. Life Vision: Become a woman of excellence who commits her time and abilities to the service of others
9. Best thing about me: my passion for life and growth
10. Worst thing about me: impatient, especially with people
11. Biggest fear: To waste my life and not reach my fullest potential
12. Hobbies: Spending time with loved ones, reading, podcast guru, writing, dancing, foresting, netflixing, traveling and filmmaking
13. Things I want to learn this year: Spanish, ballroom dances, scuba dive, and to be a better human

14. Most read book: “une femme, une vie” by Sagine Jean-Paul (Over 10X)
15. Favorite animal: Cat
16. Favorite music genre: Afro beat
17. Favorite place: the beach
18. Favorite food: grilled fish and fried plantain (Haitian style)
19. Places I want to visit this year: South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, India, Nigeria, …
20. A message to my 17 year-old self: The pain you are feeling right now won’t last
21. Super power that I want: Heal people
22. Misconceptions about me: People often think that I am stuck up before talking to me and I am shallow because I love fashion
23. Immature things I do: ignore people when I am upset, have preconceived notions before meeting someone or trying something and jump to conclusions quickly
24. Mistake I repeat: Internalize when someone I care about does me wrong
25. Hardest lessons I learned: People are not perfect, including me. So, I should always forgive instead of keeping count
26. Who would I be for a day I could: Jesus or Oprah Winfrey or Jeff Bezos
27. One thing I plan to do in the next decade: Buy or build my mama a nice house

As this new chapter of my life unfolds, I ask God to strip up the gifts that He has deposited in my spirit. I want to be more committed to learning to be the woman whom the Lord has fashioned me to be. I also pray to be guided in the way that He would have me take to the praise and honor of His glory.

The Story of Decade: From Homelessness to Thriving

In the Safari Desert

It has been one hell of a decade. Started off being homeless, depressed and suicidal. Now, I don’t even know that girl anymore. In a nutshell, I have had some loooooow moments, but I have also been immensely blessed this past decade.

It has been about finding fulfilment, joy, peace, and being in alignment with my purpose. I spent these past few years trying to evolve, reinvent myself, and transcend.

In fact, it has been a rollercoaster ride. I have learned to detach myself from and learn to love from a distance some people that I thought I could never live without, but I have also gained some phenomenal and supportive friends and extended family.

I have had to let go of some fallacies, thought processes and behavioural patterns that were holding me back. For a long time, I was living my life in a state of cognitive dissonance. I was not living in accordance of who I really wanted to be.

More importantly, this decade, I got to know God like I have never known Him. In moments of disappointment and discouragement, I literally nurtured and spoke life, using God’s words, unto myself.

I am immensely thankful for God’s grace, protection and blessings. Without God’s guidance and love, I would not have been able to make through this decade.

The Ugly Truth About Being Obsessed To Growth

What are your areas of growth? How are you strategizing your improvement?

As a young negresse from a country that has always been stigmatized, I feel like I owe it to my ancestors and those who invested in me to always be on top of things. They fought for me to be here, so the least I can do is not waste the space I occupy on this planet. This has been my narrative since I was a little girl. Consequently, I have been committed to transcendence for as long as I can remember.

I credit myself for being a growth guru. I am obsessed with becoming the best version of myself. However, if I am being totally transparent, this mindset also makes me EXTREMELLY impatient with myself.

I set goals, milestones and a timeline. Whenever things do not happen as I anticipated, I get down; I internalize my miscalculations as failures.

Frankly, this happens more often than I would like to admit.
Indeed, I have those days. Days when I am down, not feeling my best self at all. It usually takes me a moment to realize that ephemeral melancholy is more harming than constructive.

Missing a milestone does not reroute me. Whether I miss or reach a milestone, I will still reach my destiny.

In addition, I am just a drop of water in an ocean. God has this whole thing figured out. Therefore, I should leave him in charge of the timing.

#bloggerinluxembourg #lifeinluxembourg

Sis, You Matter

Recently, I found myself pondering on a question. Am I making the experience of being a woman better for other women in my life?

The journey of womanhood is such a confusing, challenging and painful one. So, we should NOT judge sisters when we see them struggling. We should instead reach out and offer our help.

But also accept that they may not be ready for the help that we are offering, because they are not there yet on their journey, and that is okay. In that case, we are to merely hold space for them, compassionately listen to the story of their pain; in other words, listen without judgment, without trying to fix them.

Also, there are cases when their toxic behaviors can potentially be triggers for us or even offensive to our aura or harmful to our peace of mind. Then, it requires another level of wisdom to not make it about us, to not focus on the pain they are projecting and trying to inflict on us, but to see the causes behind their toxic attitudes, behind their pain, the paradigm that is causing them to adhere to this dysfunctional lifestyle as oppose to a healthy one. Sometimes, we might need to distance ourselves a bit and let them know they can turn to us whenever they are ready to begin their healing process.

Society is already so harsh, cruel and oppressive with us. So, our sisters don’t need our judgment, they need our ears, our understanding, our support, and more importantly our love, so they can be reminded that we are all on this journey called life together; thus, they don’t have to drown in their sea of pain alone.

Sisters, I see you.  I hear you. I understand you. I support you. I love you.

We are not victims. We are thriving survivors.

 

It is easier to play the victim than to hold ourselves accountable for the part we play in our misfortunes. Indeed, we often play victims because it provides us artificial safety and comfort. It also makes us the “good one”, boosting our ego a little.

So, we see genuine mistakes of others as actions done to intentionally hurt us. We blow minuscule issues out proportion. We keep reminiscing on the painful memories that made us feel betrayed. We reject other perspectives when addressing the issues. We see constructive criticisms as attacks. We expect sympathy from others, and when they don’t respond the way we want them to, we get angry and even see them traitors.

ENOUGH. No one else is responsible for the unhappiness we feel. So, let’s stop dwelling on the past and embrace the present. Let’s stop blaming others and take full responsibility for the part we played. Even if what happened to us was completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility to step into our power and reclaim full responsibility for our happiness.

We are not victims. We are thriving survivors.

#selfaccountability

I AM NOT A SELF-MADE WOMAN

Despite knowing that they mean well, it always irks me when people call me a self-made woman. Accepting this as a compliment would be an insult to all the people who believed and invested in me.

So, thank you, but I AM NOT A SELF-MADE WOMAN.

Both of my parents were quite involved in my early educational development. I was still in primary school when my father gifted me all the books that he left back in his house’s office in Haiti. Nearly a hundred of books from philosophers, sociologists, politicians, other great thinkers from previous generations.

My mom, to encourage my dream of becoming a writer, would listen to me and asked tons of questions every time I read her short stories that I used to write in my journals. Soeur Marie-Lune, a former nun at my primary school, and Mlle Magdaleine gave major roles in every school play. In my early teenage years, my friends, including Chris, Nika, Meme, Nadege, Many, Tania, Erlandy, Josue, Gary, Colbert, Carlos, to only name a few, and family members ALWAYS supported the different initiatives I was involved in. Also, I grew up with competitive and brilliant cousins who were always challenging my ideas and thought process.

My dear cousin Gougous started the only library in Grand-Goave, bringing to our small town great thinkers like Gary Victor and FrankÉtienne. I spent most my summer days in this library. Eddy Jean-Julien, my former school principle, and other teachers launched a literature and debate club to help students develop their critical thinking and public speaking skills. Intensive workshops and trainings led by Ricardo from COSAFH, Dukens, Gala and my brother from another mother, Kedner Dermine, from JAPROC (Jeunesse en Action pour la Promotion de la Culture), and other experts from CLAC (Club des Amis de la Culture) sharpened my performing art skills and sparked other interests in me. JA (Jeunesse Adventiste) instilled in me some core values about life and taught me to be disciplined and organized and the fundamental importance of teamwork.  3 of my mentors, Gaston, Dupas and Fedner, trained me to host my first radio show, Coin des Jeunes, at the age of 13.

Eventually, when I moved to the US, the Haitian community in the diaspora showed tremendous support to both my radio and TV programmes. In addition, I had amazing role models, colleagues and mentors like Antoine, Stanley Figaro, El Sadate, Jean-Marie Papin, Smoye, Yves and others who showed me the ropes of the Haitian entertainment industry.

Amazing professors and mentors including Livesay, Ana Rodrigues, Trisha Gorman, Alexander Mirescu, Ryan Royster, Demillo, Rachel Windfall and others always told me that I have great potentials and encouraged my commitment to learning. Ana Brown, another amazing mentor, taught me that service is the rent that one pays for the space she occupies on this planet and that a life without fighting for social justice is wasted life.

Various people invested a great deal in helping me develop my talents and acquire new skills. Everything that I have ever accomplished was because the people I named in this piece and many more not cited watered me as a little plant in their garden. They believed and invested in me. Without their help, support and guidance, I would not be where I am today.

As I still have a looong way to go, God will continue to guide my steps and open doors for me and send many more people to  me and pave the way for me. 

In the meantime, whenever people say that I am self-made, I will continue to tell them:

 Thank you, but I AM NOT A SELF-MADE WOMAN. 

 

Balance for Better